Co-Regulation: Helping Children Learn to Manage Big Feelings
When children experience strong emotions — whether it’s frustration over homework, excitement on the playground, or sadness after a conflict — they often don’t yet have the tools to calm themselves down. This is where co-regulation comes in.
Co-regulation is the process of an adult providing warmth, guidance, and a calm presence to help a child manage their emotions. Over time, these experiences teach children how to self-regulate, laying the foundation for resilience, confidence, and healthy relationships.
Why Co-Regulation Matters
Children borrow our calm. When adults model steady breathing, problem-solving, and soothing words, children learn what emotional control looks and feels like.
Brains learn by example. Young children especially rely on caregivers’ cues to know how to respond in stressful moments.
Trust and safety. Co-regulation communicates, “You are not alone in this; I’m here with you.” That sense of safety is what allows learning and growth to happen.
Examples of Co-Regulation
A parent kneels to their child’s level, makes eye contact, and says: “I can see you’re upset. Let’s take three deep breaths together.”
Holding a child’s hand during a stressful moment and modeling calm, slow breathing.
Using a quiet, reassuring voice: “You’re safe. I’ll help you figure this out.”
Offering a hug or gentle touch if the child finds comfort in physical closeness.
Practical Tips for Parents
1. Stay Calm Yourself
Children pick up on adult emotions quickly. Taking a pause, breathing deeply, and grounding yourself helps you show up as a calming presence.
2. Acknowledge the Feeling
Instead of dismissing big emotions, name them: “It looks like you’re feeling angry/sad/worried.” This helps children build emotional vocabulary and feel understood.
3. Use Soothing Strategies Together
Deep breathing
Stretching or shaking out tension
Listening to calming music
Drawing, journaling, or talking it out
4. Teach Problem-Solving After the Calm
Once the child feels settled, talk through what happened and brainstorm other ways to handle it next time.
5. Practice Daily (Not Just in Crises)
Co-regulation isn’t only for meltdowns. Use it during small moments:
Before bed: slow breathing together
Before school: a short affirmation such as “You’ve got this, and I’m proud of you.”
During homework: working side-by-side to ease frustration.
Final Thoughts
Co-regulation isn’t about fixing every problem for your child. It’s about walking alongside them until they have the tools to walk on their own. By modeling calm, empathy, and presence, you help your child develop the lifelong ability to self-regulate — an essential skill for learning, relationships, and overall well-being.
